Tay Zonday the creator of the Internet smash hit “Chocolate Rain” (above) won the YouTube award for Best Music Video of 2007. If you haven’t seen the video, you probably have way more sex than I do. Therefore I hate you. The AP reports:

“It’s the new Emmys,” Zonday, 25, said of the video-sharing site’s awards in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. “It’s the next Oscars. The next People’s Choice Awards. It’ll be interesting to see what happens five years, 10 years (from now).”

The next Oscars, Tay? Reel it in there, Interweb singer. That being said, your art has inspired me to write my own version. I present “Chocolate Rain: The Superficial 2 Xtreme Version Remix Jam for the Children”:

Chocolate Rain,
Makes me write about my laser wang.
Chocolate Rain,
If it were real, I’d carry a cup outside.
Chocolate Rain,
Makes girls in bikinis drive the tanks all day.
Chocolate Rain,
Is this song about black dudes peeing?
Chocolate Rain,
If so, where is Kim Kardashian?
Chocolate Rain,
I should really wrap this up soon.
Chocolate Rain,
Holy crap, I want a sandwich.
Chocolate Rain,
Preferably with the mustard all spicy and brown.
Chocolate Rain,
I love to run a joke into the ground.
Chocolate Rain,
Hold on, I think I can squeeze out one more verse.
Chocolate Rain,
Never mind, I’m going to get my Subway on.

USA!

Mickey Rourke’s DUI arrest while driving his Vespa was reduced to a lesser charge of reckless driving. His lawyer effectively proved the breathalyzer was faulty. Mickey took the opportunity to voice his opinions to the Palm Beach Post about the cop that arrested him:

“I’m friends with most cops in the city and they told me the guy who got me isn’t even liked by his colleagues,” Rourke tells Page Two. “He’s a 400-pound fuck unfit for duty.”

Mickey had a passenger with him on the Vespa, but there’s no way anyone was getting a hold of her to testify. He doesn’t even know who the hell she was:

Rourke said the mysterious blond riding on the back of the Vespa at the time of his arrest couldn’t have been used as a witness at a trial.
“Don’t ask me her name,” Rourke says. “I have no idea who she was. I met her in a bar and never saw her again.”

Hell yeah, Mickey Rourke. Getting arrested for DUI on a Vespa with some chick you picked up at a bar is American as apple pie - made with whiskey. And to prove how unequivocally badass you are, Mickey, these latest photos show you walking around looking like Kathleen Turner. Righteous!

Cameron Diaz did a little shoe shopping yesterday and, frankly, I forgot she was even alive. Her hotness is so questionable, I’m not even sure I can legally post these. I’m waiting for the guys upstairs to give me a confirmation. And here it is.. *reads* Okay, I think this means “yes”. I don’t speak legalese, so I’ll copy and paste it for you guys to transcribe:

Superficial Writer,
Even the blind janitor knows Cameron Diaz is a mutant giant with lips of the apocalypse. In the future, instead of abusing our time with asinine questions, we kindly request that you seek an alternative route. Namely getting AIDS in the face.
Sincerely,
Anticlown Legal Dept.

Those guys are class acts. I should send them a fruit basket.

Amy Winehouse posed nude to raise breast cancer awareness. How, exactly, I couldn’t even fathom because currently my brain is trying to punch its way out of my ear. I don’t know which is worse: this ad or the close up shots of Amy’s impetigo’d face. At this point, I’d rather look at secret option #3 otherwise known as a tomahawk entering my retina.

Thanks to Todd for the pic. Remind me to repay you in non-negotiable “I’m burning your goddamn house down while you sleep” dollars.