Fergie is an admitted former methhead and shared with Marie Claire some of her drop dead riotous adventures in paranoia. Fergie was so sure the government was after her that they were hiding in baked goods. ABC News reports:

“I had about 20 different conspiracy theories. I painted the windows in my apartment black so they couldn’t see in,” Fergie told Marie Claire, explaining that she thought the FBI was after her during her brief addiction to methamphetamines around 2001.
“One day, when I was about 90 pounds, a guy comes up to me. … I’m searching in the bushes for clues about whatever they’re after me for. I’m in a cowboy hat and red lips. He hands me a muffin. I’m thinking, he’s in on it,” Fergie said.

You know what compliments a good drug story? Baby bump pictures! That’s good, old-fashioned awkwardness. These shots were taken last night and there’s no denying Josh Duhamel hates his penis. He impregnated Fergie which must’ve been like knocking up an anatomically correct wax statue - of a man. But without the usual erotic undertones of such an act. I’m, uh, not allowed in a lot of museums these days…

Thanks to Stormy Towers and his brother Cloudy Bungalow.

NEWSFLASH: Winona Ryder still loves her some shoplifting. This report from a week ago slipped under the radar of most outlets. But fortunately I found out, and, shit, I’ll report anything. Right, Chocolate Rain Kid? Anyway, here’s the scoop as reported on Janet Charlton’s Hollywood. Love your chews, baby! [Editor's Note. It's actually Charleston Chews. Not Charlton. Way to be, Janet.]:

Security stopped the shopper, who turned out to be none other than Winona Ryder! She showed the guard her receipt and he proceeded to check her bag. There were a couple of makeup items that were not paid for. Wide-eyed Winona said “I don’t know how that happened” and she quickly paid for the makeup before braving the exit once again.

Remind me to make sure the china cabinet is locked the next time Winona Ryder stops over. I don’t need her stealing my Darth Vader collectable plates. In the meantime, I have no idea who any of these other people are in these pictures. But I’m sure they went home missing a wallet, watch, jewelry and gold fillings. Seriously, she’s that good - except in retail stores. Apparently sensor tags confuse and baffle the Winona.

Thanks to Bonnie for the tip. You stole my heart and, also, my social security number. I’m gonna need that back.

Tay Zonday the creator of the Internet smash hit “Chocolate Rain” (above) won the YouTube award for Best Music Video of 2007. If you haven’t seen the video, you probably have way more sex than I do. Therefore I hate you. The AP reports:

“It’s the new Emmys,” Zonday, 25, said of the video-sharing site’s awards in a telephone interview with The Associated Press. “It’s the next Oscars. The next People’s Choice Awards. It’ll be interesting to see what happens five years, 10 years (from now).”

The next Oscars, Tay? Reel it in there, Interweb singer. That being said, your art has inspired me to write my own version. I present “Chocolate Rain: The Superficial 2 Xtreme Version Remix Jam for the Children”:

Chocolate Rain,
Makes me write about my laser wang.
Chocolate Rain,
If it were real, I’d carry a cup outside.
Chocolate Rain,
Makes girls in bikinis drive the tanks all day.
Chocolate Rain,
Is this song about black dudes peeing?
Chocolate Rain,
If so, where is Kim Kardashian?
Chocolate Rain,
I should really wrap this up soon.
Chocolate Rain,
Holy crap, I want a sandwich.
Chocolate Rain,
Preferably with the mustard all spicy and brown.
Chocolate Rain,
I love to run a joke into the ground.
Chocolate Rain,
Hold on, I think I can squeeze out one more verse.
Chocolate Rain,
Never mind, I’m going to get my Subway on.

USA!

Mickey Rourke’s DUI arrest while driving his Vespa was reduced to a lesser charge of reckless driving. His lawyer effectively proved the breathalyzer was faulty. Mickey took the opportunity to voice his opinions to the Palm Beach Post about the cop that arrested him:

“I’m friends with most cops in the city and they told me the guy who got me isn’t even liked by his colleagues,” Rourke tells Page Two. “He’s a 400-pound fuck unfit for duty.”

Mickey had a passenger with him on the Vespa, but there’s no way anyone was getting a hold of her to testify. He doesn’t even know who the hell she was:

Rourke said the mysterious blond riding on the back of the Vespa at the time of his arrest couldn’t have been used as a witness at a trial.
“Don’t ask me her name,” Rourke says. “I have no idea who she was. I met her in a bar and never saw her again.”

Hell yeah, Mickey Rourke. Getting arrested for DUI on a Vespa with some chick you picked up at a bar is American as apple pie - made with whiskey. And to prove how unequivocally badass you are, Mickey, these latest photos show you walking around looking like Kathleen Turner. Righteous!